Battle Lines. Page 5

  Taking one last deep breath she stepped out into the cool night air, walking down the steps and, looking around one last time, she turned and began to head for home.

  The walk home gave her some time for much needed reflection. Those cruel words that she had thrown at Jake had left a bitter taste indeed and she was feeling thoroughly ashamed of herself. And quite rightly to, she told herself crossly.

  Why did she always feel the need to hurt Jake like that? It was something she had developed when she had hit her teenage years and had grown worse. By the time of her sixteenth birthday things had gotten way out of control and Amanda had felt that the only way out was to run away.

  She always regretted the cruel words but there was no way to take them back now even if she wanted to and she did want to. She derived no lasting pleasure out of hurting Jake. That knowledge left her feeling sad and bereft but she could not fathom why.

  She always allowed herself to be goaded by Jake into saying things that she did not mean. She made it so effortless for him. And he used that to his advantage. She would have thought that ten years away would have helped her, given her a back bone. However, it had not and she had found herself still reducing herself to name calling as if she were a ten-year old school bully.

  The walk home was blissfully uneventful. People passed her by chatting amicably amongst themselves but Amanda was oblivious to it all. Thoughts of Jake and that hurt expression on his face as her had exited the car returned to haunt her.

  The cool night air chilled her heated skin causing her to shiver. She should have thought to have brought a coat out with her this evening.

  But then, how was she to know that she was going to need one. It had never been part of the plan that she found herself walking home at the end of the night. She had planned on getting a taxi home. It was all Jake’s fault.

  What was she going to do now? She sighed deeply. How long did she have before Jake would find out that she had lied to him? Amanda knew that by tomorrow Jake would know that she was not staying at the hotel.

  He would be like a dog with a bone, he wouldn’t give up. He had connections. He would make enquiries. He would find her house. She was renting it after all. It was registered in her name.

  And he would put two and two together. After all she had been foolish enough to be goaded into giving away that vital piece of information about her change of name. How easily she had given away that incriminating piece of evidence. And she had given it without Jake having to ask for it. See how cunning and smart he was.

  Maybe it wasn’t all Jake’s fault. If she were being honest, she gave the knowledge freely. It was easier to blame Jake because she did not want to face the idea that perhaps she was the one that was wrong. That Jake was not as bad as she was making him out to be.

  She knew why she didn’t face that fact. Because it would mean having to face up to the fact that he wasn’t the monster she had turned him into in her mind.

  It would mean facing up to the fact that he wasn’t the monster that she so desperately needed him to be. And, she needed him to be that monster.

  And if she faced that reality then she really did not have any good reason to go on hating him. But she wanted to hate him, needed to hate him. It was her only defence. Her only weapon. Her only way to keep him at arm’s length.

  Amanda sighed wistfully as she turned into the street where her home was situated at the bottom of a small cul-de-sac.

  With any luck she would have at least a couple of days in which to come up with something, anything. Right now though, her mind drew a complete blank. Maybe when she wasn’t so tired and drained, she would be able to think much more clearly.

  By the time Amanda put her key in her lock and opened her front door of her small, modest, rented home she was cold and exhausted. She almost had to drag herself through to the tiny living room.

  She turned on the light and sank gratefully into the comfortable sofa. Leaning back on its soft welcoming cushions she closed her eyes sighing with relief. She was safe at last.

  Amanda woke with a start. Slowly her mind wandered out of her slumber and she began sitting up trying to clear her head of the sleep she had just been enjoying.

  She looked down at her watch on her wrist. She had been asleep for just twenty minutes. She groaned loudly and cursed an expletive that no lady should ever know. What had woken her up?

  The loud peel of the doorbell made her jump, answering her question. Who the hell was that at this time of night? Sighing heavily, she got up reluctantly from the sofa and slowly made her way to the front door.

  It had to be Harry. He was the only one who knew her address, apart from Marsha. What did he want at midnight that could not have waited until the morning in the office? The office better be burning down or something otherwise she would kill him.

  “Harry you had better have a damn good reason for calling so late.” She began as she flung open the door. Then all words froze on her lips as she exclaimed, startled, as she looked into piercing steel blue eyes. “Jake.” She gasped in absolute horror.

  “It would seem that I do indeed know you better than you think.” The look of triumph was clearly evident in his eyes.

  “How.” She whispered but could not say anything further as her throat constricted painfully and her mouth went dry.

  “You were far too forthcoming with handing over your hotel address, without any kind of fight or protest.” He told her.

  “I…” he was right, she fought him on every point and she hadn’t on that.

  “I would have expected much more of an argument from you and when I did not get it, I knew you were lying.” He knew she had lied even before they had reached the hotel. She had accomplished nothing.

  Jake looked angry, large thunder clouds were forming in his eyes. Oh, what did she care anyway? Long gone were the days when she cowered from his anger. “Well are you just going to stand there gawping at me as if I were an alien or are you going to be gracious enough to invite me in.” He drawled sarcastically.

  “It’s late.” She mumbled ineffectively. Well done Amanda that sure told him she derided herself.

  “Midnight.” He agreed. “But I wasn’t asking you for the damn time.”

  “I’m tired.” She tried again.

  “So am I.” she was promptly informed.

  “Go away then and leave me alone.”

  “We need to talk.” He told her seriously, and alarm bells clanged restlessly inside her head.

  “No we really don’t.”

  “Yes we do.” He told her more firmly.

  “No.” She shouted and then took a breath and held it. “No, we do not. There is nothing we need to say to one another.” She finished in a quieter tone.

  “Wrong. There is a lot we need to talk about.” Jake said firmly. She could hear the determination in his voice. It was obvious that he had no intention of going anywhere until he got his way.

  “Look Jake I just want to go to sleep. I am tired and I have a headache. Please go away and leave me alone.” Her eyes drifted down to her feet and she noticed that they were shuffling from one to the other.

  “Just ten minutes.” He tried again.

  “No. good night.”

  “That is all I need, ten minutes. You owe me that much surely?”

  “Owe you.” She echoed incredously. “What the hell makes you think that I owe you anything? Shouldn’t it be the other way round?”

  “Mandy.”

  “Jake… please.” She sighed. “We have nothing left to discuss as far as I am concerned. I said all I needed to say, there really isn’t anything more you could possibly add.”

  “What is it you are so afraid of?” He asked her softly. You, she wanted to say but she bit her lip before the word could escape.

  “Jake I just don’t… Look, I hate you and you hate me and I am fine with that. We are even and I am fine with that too. We have nothing to say to each other and I am more than fine about that. Goodnight.”

&nb
sp; “Humour me, ten minutes of your valuable time that’s all. Then I will leave you alone, scout’s honour.” He told her and her head snapped up.

  “Jake, you were never a scout.” She told him flatly angling her head to one side.

  “I could have been.” He told her with sincerity but she could see the gleam of laughter in the depths of his eyes.

  “No you really couldn’t have been.” She told him and she smiled before she could stop herself and then remembered as the smile slipped off her lips. What did she think she was doing?

  “What are you trying to say?” he asked her. His voice friendly and teasing.

  “Oh come on. We both know that had you been a scout they would have kicked you out within the first week.” She teased back forgetting about her earlier anger for the time being.

  “I would have made a very good scout. You would have made a lousy one.” He told her.

  “Jake.” Amanda warned, before she forgot herself completely and started to act as though they actually liked each other.

  “What’s ten minutes of your life in the grand scheme of things?” he asked her.

  “Ten minutes of my sleep time, that’s what.” She informed him stiffly.

  “Then the longer you stand there arguing with me the more time you are going to waste.” She hated him for being right. Why couldn’t he be wrong? Just once would be enough for Amanda.

  “Then why don’t you do yourself a favour and remove your foot from my door frame and leave before I slam the door and permanently separate your size twelves from your ankle.” Amanda snapped at him.

  “You are so quick to jump to a violent resolution to your problems, aren’t you?” He baited her. It sounded as though he were enjoying himself.

  “It’s a good job I am not running the country then, isn’t it?” she snapped at him.

  “We would never survive five minutes. Your finger would be on the button the minute you were through the door at number ten.” Jake joked with her and she giggled.

  She shook her head. There she went again. Giving in and warming to him. She obviously did not learn her lesson

  “Jake…” She huffed loudly. “Please.” She tried begging. She knew that it wouldn’t work but it was worth one attempt.

  “Amanda.” His voice dropped to a barely audible whisper but she could hear the beseeching note in there.

  “Uh.” She exclaimed as she threw back her head and looked up at her ceiling for a moment before lowering it again.

  “Come on, ten minutes.” He cajoled softly.

  “Two minutes.” She tried to barter with him.

  “Eight minutes.” He suggested.

  “Two minutes.” She held firm.

  “Five minutes.” He said. “Just five little tiny minutes. Five miniscule slices of sixty seconds.”

  Unenthusiastically she resigned herself to the prospect that he was not going anywhere until she had heard whatever he so desperately had to say.

  She stamped her foot and sighed again. This was frustrating. Although why this could not have waited was beyond her. She sighed and reluctantly admitted defeat and stepped slowly away from the door to allow him in.

  “You have two minutes.” She told him firmly. She knew that Jake would have stayed out on her doorstep all night if he had to. Amanda closed the door behind him and as she closed it he told her.

  “Five minutes.” And he walked passed her and into her living room without waiting for the invite.

  Reluctantly she followed him into the small room. His presence filled it making it feel even smaller than it already was. The room now felt claustrophobic.

  “Two minutes.” She said folding her arms across her chest.

  “Be careful I might put it back up to ten minutes.” He said.

  “You can start your… two minutes… by telling me how you found me so quickly?” that was a stupid question Amanda knew that but she could not think of anything else to say.

  “I have my ways.” He shrugged at her.

  “Meaning, you followed me from the hotel.” She corrected him.

  “Yes when I drove away I thought it would be prudent to park just around the corner and wait. I had hoped that I was wrong. But then I saw you running back out of the hotel moments later and I knew I wasn’t.” was that sadness staining his husky voice?

  “Why Jake. Why did you follow me?”

  “I wanted to know if I was right.” He told her simply.

  “And what has that achieved exactly?” she asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

  “Now I know.”

  “You know that I lied to you.”

  “Yes.” Amanda watched him clench his jaw.

  “And that’s it? That somehow makes you happy to know that I lied to you.” She asked him

  “It doesn’t make me happy Amanda, far from it.” He told her grimly.

  “Then I don’t understand why you did it. You should have left well enough alone.” She told him.

  “I am not about to give up on you… even though it looks as though you have given up on yourself.” Jake look disdain-fully around the room and then back to her.

  “What the hell is that supposed to mean Jake?” she deman-ded hotly.

  “Well look at this place.” He swept an impatient hand round the very small room with its limited amount of furniture, and it really was limited. A two seater sofa, one small table. A bookshelf and some sort of cupboard thing in the corner. She didn’t even possess a television.

  And they had all been bought second hand. Not in a really up market second had shop either. They all had seen far better days.

  Amanda knew that it wasn’t much but she lived alone and spent most of her time at work so she really did not need much. Just a place to eat and sleep.

  “If you are going to insult my décor then you can leave.” She knew that that was not what he had meant but she pleaded ignorance anyway.

  “Amanda… I just want to look out for you. Make sure you are okay. Like brothers are supposed to.”

  “I do not need anyone to look out for me.”

  “Really?” he raised a questioning eyebrow.

  “I have managed just fine all by myself.”

  “Yes, I can see that.” Jake drawled as he cast a disdainful eye over the room. His eyes picking up the patch of damp in the corner of the room. Of course he would notice that.

  “And you are not my brother.” She told him crossly.

  “You’re right. I’m not.” He clenched his jaw tightly together.

  “Look, we both lead very different lives now. Whatever happened between us in the past we should leave it there? That’s where it belongs.” Tiredness had begun to take over and Amanda put a hand up to rub her sore eyes. She just wanted to sleep.

  “What is it that happened between us?” Jake asked her. That was a conversation she was not willing to have with him. Not in the privacy of her living room, with no witnesses, anyway.

  “Nothing happened between us.” She told him firmly.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Nothing happened.” She repeated.

  “And yet you keep trying to convince me that nothing happened.” He told her.

  “That’s because nothing did.”

  “Then why keep mentioning that fact?”

  “Jake…” She huffed. “Look, you owe me nothing Jake and I owe you nothing.” Jake snorted in disgust.

  “We are a family.”

  “Stop saying that. We are not a family.” She told him, her voice rising angrily.

  “We lived as a family Amanda or had you forgotten that.”

  “No, we never lived as a family.” She adamantly refused to give in on the point. Her teenage years had been hell because of him and there was no way that she was going to let him off that particular hook.

  “When your parents took me in I was already in my early teens. My life up until then hadn’t been easy. But your family showed me kindness, affection. They showed me how much better my life could be.” />
  “That doesn’t give you the right to try and run my life.” She told him.

  “We were a family.”

  “No, stop saying that.” She stopped him almost screaming the words at him. “We were never a family Jake. We will never be a family.”

  “Your parents were good people. Your mother is a good person. They worked hard at showing me that I was worthy of affection and … even love.”

  “Yes, it was just a shame that there was a fly in the ointment. Me.” She told him.

  “No.” Jake told her firmly.

  “Yes. Trust me I did us all a favour.” She told him. “You got the better end of the deal.” She told him bitterly, forgetting who she was talking to. Forgetting how much she was giving away.

  “You liked me in the beginning. Do you remember how you used to follow me around? You looked up to me once. But as you grew older, things changed. You began to act as if you hated me. Despised me.”

  “And you don’t know why.” She cut in sarcastically. “You want me to explain. To hash over the past.”

  “No.” He cut in scathingly through her words with his harsh tone. “I know why. It is you who appears to be blinded to the truth.”

  Amanda looked at him then, had he just found a way to tell her that she did not know her own mind? He had hadn’t he. The absolute arrogant conceit of the man.

  Who the hell did he think he was? How dare he presume anything about her.

  He had come back into her life for five minutes and already he was trying to tell her what she thought and felt. As if he knew her better than she knew herself.

  “I did not like you.” She stepped closer. “Because my parents spent more time on you than they did on me, once you arrived on the scene I never got a look in. I was pushed to the side lines. You…” She pointed a shaky accusing finger at him. “You could do no wrong in their eyes. You were Mr Perfect incarnate. The golden son they had never had. The son they had always dreamed of having. You were the perfect son who was a swan in comparison to the ugly duckling here. Every day I had to endure comments such as, why can’t you be more like Jake? See how Jake is doing? Jake doesn’t do things like that. And then… and then… my father handed over his business to you.”